8 Ways My Toddler is Sabotaging Me No ratings yet.

Meg Russel Photography

My daughter is a sweet-natured soul. She’s the kid who shares at playdates, politely uses “please” and “thank you” without much reminder from me, and runs over to the little boy who’s crying on the jungle gym to ask what’s wrong. She’s a gem and a true charmer, that one! That’s why I was taken off guard when the sabotage first began. Strange things started happening around me, to me, that could have passed as simple coincidences at first glance. But, over time and repetition, I had a sneaking suspicion that a busy little toddler was behind the shenanigans — I was on to her games!

Here are 8 ways my toddler has sabotaged me and yours may be sabotaging you too:

1. Missing Wallet:
When you realize your wallet is missing from your purse at crucial moments — like after unloading 792 items onto the conveyor belt at the grocery store, or ordering your very particular and much-anticipated Venti coffee, or pulling into the gas station after driving around on empty for two days straight. CRUCIAL. MOMENTS. And then that moment of disbelief when you later find said wallet under your toddler’s pillow.

2. Strategically Placed Legos:
When you get a 5:45 AM wake-up call from your toddler after pulling an all-nighter with her baby brother and go to take that groggy first step out of bed, only to land in a pile of Legos placed ever-so-cleverly at the exact position your feet hit the floor.

3. Rogue Stickers:
When you get home from running a bunch of errands – the usual post office, Target, grocery store routine — only to catch a glimpse of yourself in the full-length mirror with a giant Mickey Mouse sticker in the middle of your rear end, and you realizeyou are the Mystery Mousekatool!

4. Suspicious Toothbrush:

When you find your toothbrush lying on the ground next to the toilet and self-doubting thoughts flood your mind — like, did I accidentally put it there in my sleep-deprived state this morning? Or perhaps I knocked it off the sink while getting out of the shower. But then you scan the room and lock eyes with your toddler who’s wearing a mischievous grin and babbling something about “cleaning the house” today. Could she have — would she have — “cleaned” the toilet with your toothbrush?! (Yes).

5. Cheeks (not) on Fleek:

When you’re rushing to get out the door for your long-awaited date night with your partner (and the first time you’ve put on makeup in over a month) and you go to apply a little blush when you realize your blush brush has previously been “dipped” into your darkest eye shadow, now leaving dark blue streaks across your cheek bones. #cheeksnotonfleek

6. Stashed Shoes:
When you go to put on your tennis shoe and something just doesn’t feel right, so you take it off and turn it upside down to empty out the newly discovered contents which consist of eight tiny pebbles from the garden, a blue and yellow coloring crayons, and 7 goldfish crackers.

7. Chap Stick Fun:
When you find yourself buying a new tube of chap stick on the regular because every other time you go to apply some to your lips, you notice the chap stick itself has been scooped out of the tube from a tiny, curious finger.

8. Perfectly Timed Poops:
When you’re sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the freeway, or nursing the baby who’s finally latched on, or just lathered up your hair and body with soap in the shower, or just got into the pool for mommy-and-me swim lessons — and your toddler screams, “I have to go poo-poo RIGHT NOW!” And then the frantic dash for the toilet begins while you curse your decision to potty train early.

Follow more of the shenanigans on Instagram.

A version of this post previously appeared on www.kristinhelms.com

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One comment

  1. HA! Yes to all of this. Also, my toddler is constantly putting things—toys, dirt, a pinecone—in my shoes. So when I step into my sneakers, I get a fun surprise!!

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