To My Unborn Baby,
Hello. Can you hear me? It’s me, your mommy. I wanted to write you a letter because I am having trouble articulating how important you are to me and also how scared I am to meet you. I thought if I wrote it to you it would be easier to find the words.
You are not here with me yet. You are not even in my belly. Right now you only exist in my heart and in my mind, but I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Every time I hear about another person being pregnant, especially pregnant with their second child, I instantly think of you. I wonder if the twinge of jealousy I feel means I’m closer to being ready to meet you. I wonder if you are patiently waiting for me to be ready for you. You must be really patient.
Let’s get this out of the way. I am terrified to meet you. I didn’t get to do it the way I wanted to with your sister. She came before I was ready. I love her, but I worry that I have not been the best for her because of it. I really don’t want to do that to you too. I want to be my best for you.
Your sister is strong so I don’t worry about her too much. I worry more about me and whether or not I can handle the guilt. Believe me when I say, you deserve the best I can give you. I’m trying to get there, but I worry I may never be there. Will you forgive me if I never get there? It may mean I never get to meet you, but it also might mean I only get to meet you in my imperfect state. Which is worse? I don’t know.
I think daddy’s ready to meet you. He is so tired from your sister waking him up every night (still), but he has been ready for you for a while. He’s the sweetest daddy. You will love him. When you are born he will hold you skin to skin in the hospital or wherever you are born. He won’t let you out of his sight and he will whisper sweet things to you while you sleep. He will be warm and loving.
I need to warn you because it happened with your sister, I may be cold when you first get here. It might be hard for me to understand if I made the right decision, but I will always hold you close. As soon as I can, I will be warm too. Don’t be scared. I will get there. Daddy will be warm for you when I am not able.
Your sister. Let me tell you about your sister. She is wild, sweet, social, and strong-willed. She will be the best big sister to you. If you are shy or scared, she will take you under her wings and fly with you. She is bold and courageous. How lucky you will be to have a sister like her. Yes it’s true that her strong spirit is part of why we have not been ready for you yet, but that same spirit will help guide you through life. I want to give you the opportunity to know her. She has a beautiful soul.
I still have time to decide, but I feel a sense of urgency. It may be a couple of months, a year, or 3 years before I meet you. I can’t even tell you for sure if I will meet you. Because of that uncertainty, I need you to know that you are loved and I think of you every day. I need you to forgive me for my flaws. I hope you will love me anyway like your sister does. She loves me more than I have ever been loved.
I want you to know how badly I want to meet you. I keep hoping for a sign, but more and more I am starting to believe I will just have to jump and hope my wings can hold me. I will jump for you baby. The first time I see you, I hope you can forgive me for taking so long.
Lots of love,
About the Author
Kristina Newman is a stay at home mom and writer. She is a regular contributor for the Denver Metro Moms Blog and her work has also been featured on The Mighty, Scary Mommy, Postpartum Progress, and Her View From Home. Kristina recently performed in the 2016 Boulder production of Listen To Your Mother. You can follow her on Twitter @ktinamou.